I hate how I no longer have the ability to cry.

I don't have the time, first of all, since my world is now consumed in studying and school.  It's as if grades rule my life.  And they do.  To get a good job and succeed in this world, you need good grades, experience, good work, etc.  A few marks on a piece of paper hold too much weight on our lives.

I'm no longer the innocent, hurt by everything different little girl I used to be.  It's this world again, corrupting everyone and everything.  Hurting the environment.  Why do we have the right to destroy this planet?  In the end, we're all animals, we all rely on plants, we all live on Earth.  We have about as much right as the nonexistent cow chewing grass to ruin Earth.  Which is, to say, none.  And people these days, always caring about material things.  Money, clothes, electronics--all the things that make you look "cool".  If cool means destroying the earth and living in a superficial, man-made world, I don't want to be it.  And the social aspect.  People vie for power, and will do anything for it.  Why is it that humans can't live peacefully?  Do they really need to kill thousands just so they can be sitting at the top of a pile of bones?  Is that how people really want to live their lives?  And students at school.  "Damn, fuck, shit, crap, faggot, retard, bitch, bastard, whore"--anyone who chooses to use those words relentlessly constantly degrades my view of them.  They call people that?  Then they are those themselves.  And the violence.  Why do humans always resort to violence?  All of these rules to try to keep the peace--the golden rule, laws, morals taught--are useless.  The creators of them even know that.  If they didn't, why would they try creating them?  Those aren't there to stop violence, they're there to mitigate it.  And it's not working.  

I've actually always hated this world.  I'm the true pessimist, just with a bigger mask on than any other so-called pessimist that you can find.  It's not the world though, it's the people and what they've done.  How they superimpose whatever they want onto things not meant to be disturbed.  Want to know why I never really got started on art until the end of middle school?  Because I hated it.  Not hated it in the sense that I hated to draw.  I just hated the eventual outcome of that drawing and designing.  I once had the faint wanting to be an architect.  The reason that never really went anywhere was because that involved buildings.  Structures placed on cleared land, destroying the environment.  Of course, you would never know any of this if you met me.  Now, I love art, and if I'm without some form of it for more than week, I turn into a haunted zombie-like character.  Learning is an odd passion of mine, and I love electronics, and the magical digital world accessed through the technological gate.  My current dream for the future is to be an animator.  But underneath it all lies this disdain of the people around me who don't care about this world they live in.  Want to know part of the reason I'm such an introvert?  I hate how people around me act.  They seem to think that their main goal in life is to make themselves look pretty, to talk an excessive amount, and hate everything that others are doing to help them.  Whenever I hear someone say "I don't get why we have to take this class.  It's not like we're ever going to need this in the future." or "I hate this class.  It's so boring.", I imagine stabbing them.

And I feel useless.  Like nothing I do will ever change this world.  So I don't do anything.  I put on my hardened, trained mask and enjoy the benefits of this world, and hate parts that displease me, just like all the other people here.  So, in the end, I am one of the people I hate.

To assure those reading this, though, I don't hate my friends.  Why would I be friends with someone I hate?  Yeah, I do hate little bits of everyone in the group, but that's normal.  No one's perfect.  The people that I severely dislike are the people that don't care at all.  And you're not one of them.  And if you're just a random person, if you read this whole thing and agreed, then I like you.  Now see if any of those things applies to you.  Truthfully.  Then you're wonderful:D

So yes, you could say that I'm really a pessimistic environmentalist who really wants people to appreciate this world and those trying to help them.  Appreciate life.  That's the motto of this post.  And now you'll be a tad bit frustrated to know that I wrote this whole thing just to vent my anger.  Yes, I'm still in this bad mood.  It's odd.  It's just this underlying belligerent feeling that pops up every now and then...I could actually go on another rant about my anger issues and how they relate the the subject of this post, but I think you can figure it out yourself.

Goodbye, adieu, appreciate life

I'm in a bad mood again.  It's because my mom called me, and I had to go talk to her, because "that's what good children do", and she's the reason I was in a bad mood in the first place.  Ugh...I can't keep venting my anger in here.  It takes so much time, and I'm supposed to be studying for the AP test on Friday, which just makes me more irritated.  I wonder if this is all because of stress, because if it is, screw stress.

Goodbye.